


How Whales (Sorta) Brought Jim and Bones Together

by facelesshellion



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Fun, Fun and whales, I had so much fun writing this you have no clue, Multi, Some Humor, The Voyage Home redux, Whales
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 11:06:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,407
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1158971
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/facelesshellion/pseuds/facelesshellion
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>For Leonard, first dates are flowers and small, homey restaurants where you talk quietly like you're sharing secrets with your potential girlfriend.</p>
<p>They are not supposed to be at a table covered with aquarium maps and aquarium souvenirs. And they are certainly not supposed to be spent with a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy rambling about whales. </p>
<p>(Or: Where Leonard is the only person that doesn't think Jim's too crazy for his whale obsession and Jim notices.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	How Whales (Sorta) Brought Jim and Bones Together

**Author's Note:**

> SO! Earlier on tumblr I posted an idea I've had for awhile about bringing back the whale movie into the AOS universe. And I had a snow day today and figured "Why the fuck not?" 
> 
> So here we go! McKirk, whales, and a fanatical Jim that Bones wouldn't change for the world. I really had fun writing this so I hope you guys have fun reading it. Might edit it a bit more when I have time, but I probably won't because it was so much fun writing it and editing is not as much fun. 
> 
> Probably not the funniest thing, which is why I did "Some humor" because I know things I think are funny usually fall a bit flat soooooo yeah I tried to be funny but it might have failed. Sorry-but-not-sorry-enough-to-change it~ 
> 
> Shout-out to everyone for reading! You rock!

For Leonard, first dates are flowers and small, homey restaurants where you talk quietly like you're sharing secrets with your potential girlfriend. You order the meatloaf and potatoes because you're nervous as sin and need the comfort food. And if she smiles at you just right, you get a boost of confidence and order the extra large sundae so you can share it with her too. 

First dates are not supposed to have tall beer glasses and cheap pizza. They are not supposed to take place centuries ago in the 1980's. They are not supposed to be at a table covered with aquarium maps and aquarium souvenirs. And they are certainly not supposed to be spent with a blond-haired, blue-eyed boy rambling about whales. 

Whales. 

Jesus fucking Christ.

He never thought anyone could come close to Jocelyn's horse phase when they were in middle school. 

"Humpback whales, Bones, can grow up to fifty feet in length. Fifty feet! That's huge! And they don't just breathe automatically, did you know? No, they have to think about it, which scientists in the 21st century hypothesized that half of their brains sleep while the other half stays awake to remember to breathe and that's how they rest- That's fucking wild!" 

Jim is lucky that he's adorable when he's passionate about something, or else Leonard would have dropkicked the kid before the appetizer arrived. 

Everything comes back to the hobgoblin, of course. 

Ambassador Spock had approached Leonard a couple months previous with growing concerns over Jim's mental health. 

"He should not have remembered as much from the mind meld we engaged in as he has, Doctor McCoy," He explained. The com screen, he remembered, had been smudged, right around the ambassador's left eyebrow. He had tried, multiple times throughout their discussion, to wipe it off with his thumb, to no avail. "He has also seemed increasingly stressed about various missions the Enterprise in my universe had embarked on. One in particular, though I admit to being rather befuddled by his fixation." 

"Why's that?" 

"Well, it was possibly one of the strangest voyages we undertook. Necessary, of course, but even I could see the humor in the situation. It is not a matter he should be as worried about as he is." 

Shoving PADDs and empty hypospray cartridges away from the screen, he leaned his elbows on the table and asked, "Well, let's hear it. What's the mission he's fixating on?" 

The differences between the ambassador and Commander Spock always amuse Leonard, simply because knowing that Spock eventually grows out of his tight-ass ways thrills him to no end. In that moment, he could tell that the ambassador was reluctant to tell Leonard the specifics. 

"I believe," He finally stated, slowly. "You should ask Jim about this. My explanation would not cover his, ah, obsession with the topic well enough for you to understand." 

Leonard sighed. "And what do you propose I do about this obsession? I can't say I've seen any signs of it since the Enterprise left Earth's orbit, but I also can't say I've seen him for longer than a debriefing since then either." 

"Would you like my professional opinion or my honest one?" 

"Let's go wild and hear both. I have time." 

"Professionally, I recommend talking to him to find out why he can't let this one mission leave his immediate concerns. It could have adverse effects on his captaincy if this is a psychological hindrance." 

Leonard nodded. "Alright. And your personal opinion?" 

"Honestly, I don't particularly give a damn what you do." Leonard choked on his tongue a bit, having to pound on his chest to stop coughing. "I just want him to stop com-ing me at all hours of the day asking me about the damn thing." 

Leonard didn't regain control of his breathing quickly enough to stop the Vulcan from shutting off their communication. 

He had planned on inviting Jim to eat lunch with him, where they would then discuss Jim's problem, Leonard would make him sit through a vid-conference with a counselor if he deemed Jim in need of one, and everything would then go back to normal. 

That was not what happened, obviously. 

"Good morning bridge crew!" Jim greeted, smile a mile wide. "Everyone sleep well? If not, don't worry, because I have some really awesome news." 

He paused, and Chekov, devoted fan that he is, asked, "What's the news, keptin?" 

"I'm glad you asked, Chekov! The good news is that we have been approved for shoreleave for two weeks." 

Uhura let out a loud groan of happiness. "Finally!" 

Jim waited until they all calm down before adding, "The not-so-good news is that it needs to be an educational shoreleave. Like when you're in grade school and you go on field trips to the zoo or aquarium or something and your teacher gives you a worksheet after so they can say you learned something. So no pleasure planets, I'm afraid." 

Sulu seemed to be the most upset at that. 

"Since when does shoreleave have conditions?" Leonard asked incredulously. "Do we need to turn in a five-page book report too?" 

"Well," Jim hedged. "Since we're a younger crew, they claimed that we don't need shoreleave as often as the older crews. Also, we're lowest man on the totem pole, so we get last pick on shoreleave planets when there are other ships in the area. Which there are.

"But this is a good thing, I have a great plan so don't worry-" 

"Oh boy," Uhura had mumbled. 

"Plan, captain?" Spock interrupted. "Did you already secure a planet?" 

"We're going to Earth. So we didn't get a crappy planet, at least. And there are plenty of informational places to go!" He bounced on his heels with a wide grin. "I already have sign up lists drafted for approved places to go. There's a tour of Europe hotspots, like the Eiffel Tower and crap like that, an Australian outback tour, and one or two others like that." 

"That's not too bad," Chekov interjected. "I was thinking we'd have to go sit in on lectures at the academy or something." 

Jim winced. "Well, now that you brought it up, I have a really important request- It's not mandatory, I'm not telling you how to spend your shoreleave, but I do need at least ten people to go to this convention with me. It's in San Francisco, and it's supposed to be really interesting. Lots of different lectures, and one in particular we'd be attending." 

"What is the subject of the lecture, Captain?" 

Squirming, Jim turned away from them. "It won't take up too much time, and you can all go enjoy your shoreleave after the day the convention takes-" 

"Good god man, just spit it out," Leonard said, exasperated. 

Jim had seemed torn between excitement and hesitance when he blurted out, "Whales." 

The bridge had been silent for a solid thirty seconds. 

"Whales, sir?" Sulu repeated. 

"Whales. I mean, it's about extinct animals and supposed to encourage the earth to pay attention to the endangered species we still have, but those that go with me will be mostly focusing on the whale section of the lecture." 

"And why do you need ten people to go with you?" 

Leonard slammed a hand against his forehead to try and stave off the migraine he had felt coming on when Jim began his frenzied explanation. 

Immediately after the Narada incident, apparently Pike had given Jim the interrogation of a lifetime about the mind meld with Ambassador Spock. He made Jim tell him everything he could possibly remember, recorded it, and occasionally asked Jim to perform some preventative measures to forestall any disasters. The whale problem had been one Pike had kept in the back of his mind, and once he had heard about the "save the animals" convention, he had asked Jim if he could handle this particular issue during this shoreleave. 

Jim, apparently, had been thrilled to be asked. 

"Guys, this is huge- And if you decide to stick with me for the whole two weeks, we'll delve into things like what whales look like, what they ate, their mating patterns, time travel, where they frequented-" 

"Now wait a second, Kirk," Uhura cut in. "Time travel?" 

Eyes wide, falsely innocent, Jim nodded. "Well yeah. We have to save the whales. Or else Earth will explode in a couple of decades. Better to fix this now before it can get that bad." 

Chekov had almost busted a gut trying not to laugh. Sulu couldn't look Jim in the eyes. 

Spock was the first to agree. 

"I will join you, captain. It seems like this will be a truly singular experience." 

Uhura, pissed, had been the second. "I guess if Spock's going, I'm going too." Her smile had promised Spock retribution for taking away her chance to relax. 

Chekov and Sulu glanced at each other, shrugged, and mumbled agreement. 

Leonard tried to escape to the turbolift before the blue eyes could turn to him. 

"Bones?" 

Sighing, huffing and groaning, he muttered, "Do I have to?" 

"No, but you'll miss the adventure of a lifetime if you don't." Jim's eyes sparkled. "Whales, man. They're so awesome. We're going to save an entire species from extinction, Bones- Don't you want in on that?" 

If anyone had the strength to resist James T. Kirk’s enthusiasm, then Leonard would have to meet them and learn their secrets. 

At that point in time, however, all he could do was say, “Fine, fine. You’re sure we have to save the whales, though?” 

“The humpback whales specifically.” 

He shook his head, disbelieving. “Whales.” 

“Whales.” Jim confirmed. He had been completely giddy, clapping his hands together and babbling about plans and arrangements for hotel rooms and finding 20th century currency to use when they go back because money matters. 

He called the ambassador back that night. 

“Out of all of the things for him to pick out of your head, you had to let him pick fucking whales.” 

The ambassador chuckled. “Doctor, I’m afraid it just gets worse from here. I’d accept it now before you drive yourself crazy. He is very excited about this venture.” 

“Fan-fucking-tabulous.” 

The convention was rough at first. Jim acted like a three-year-old, distracted by anything that could even somewhat be like a whale. He had convinced the bridge crew, Janice Rand, Christine Chapel, Gaila, and Scotty to at least come to the convention. The amount of people that would be attempting to go to 1986 with him had yet to be determined. 

“Do you even know what a whale looks like?” Christine finally asked after they had wandered looking for the whale section for far too long. “Maybe we should ask for directions.” 

All of the men hissed. 

“In Russia, we burn maps because Russians have an internal compass,” Chekov scoffed. 

“I know where we’re going!” Scotty exclaimed, having been recruited by Jim with promises of . “I saw a sign awhile back saying they were this way-“ 

“Whales are big, so the display for them must be huge. We just need to find the biggest one.” Jim said decisively. 

“So you don’t actually know what a whale looks like,” Leonard sighed. 

“Hey, you know that everything around the eugenics war was shady information so I didn’t bother looking up pictures-“ 

Spock, without saying a word, led the group to a room the size of a large school gym, scarcely inhabited by anyone but the vendors, before any of them could finish their respective arguments. 

Everyone split up into smaller groups after that, Uhura, Gaila, Christine, and Janice going for coffee, Spock, Scotty, Sulu, and Chekov discussing the possibilities of time travel while on their way to the makeshift stage set up on the far end of the room. 

Leonard stayed with Jim, figuring someone needed to keep an eye on the delinquent. Jim didn’t seem interested in causing trouble, though. 

Jim stared at the whale skeleton displayed in a glass box. He stared at the plaster sculpture of a blue whale. He stared at the pamphlets of information about whales. 

Leonard was legitimately concerned about his friend’s coloring as he proceeded with his staring. 

“You alright there, Jimbo?” He asked hesitantly. 

Wide eyes turned to him. “Whales, Bones.” 

“Uh, yeah. That would be why we’re here.” 

As if sharing a secret, Jim glanced to the left and right, ascertaining their relative isolation, before whispering, awed, “Whales are so fucking cool.” 

Saying that seemed to break his spell, because suddenly Jim was picking up every single pamphlet (“Just take one copy of each you child. You don’t need the entire stack- Jim, put that back now before I take you over my damn knee-!”) and spending credits left and right, preordering books for his personal PADD and signing up to donate to the wildlife fund every month (“Every week is a bit much, Jim, I think they’re very happy with your contribution.”) and even all of Bones’ bitching couldn’t stop him from buying a stuffed animal the size of a horse shaped like a cartoon-ish humpback whale. 

Eventually, Leonard tore their captain away from the vendors with promises of buying him a whale-shaped soft pretzel to eat during the presentation-lecture-thing. Happily munching on his salty treat, Jim and his stuffed friend (“His name’s David, Bones, jesus.” “I’m sorry, are you actually asking me to address your toy by a name? Because last I checked, it’s a toy-!” “David does not appreciate your words, Bones. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.”) sat in the front row. 

Sulu and Scotty were the first to arrive to take their seats. Leonard stomped on Sulu’s foot when he opened his mouth, mockery written all over his face. 

“I fucking dare you to ruin this for him Hikaru, because I’ve been dying to try out this new immunization and I need a new volunteer to do the trial runs- Last ones had some unfortunate side effects, you see, couldn’t get it up for weeks. I know Ms. Gaila would be disappointed by that, wouldn’t she?” He hissed, pushing him into the seat farthest away from Jim. 

Jim, thankfully, had missed the exchange. Scotty took the seat on the other side of Jim and was patiently listening to Jim ramble about modifications they’d have to make to the Enterprise’s docking bay to fit a whale tank. 

Leonard would never admit that the woman speaking had sounded equally pretentious and hippie-like throughout her discussion. Mainly because Chapel had seemed borderline enamored with her dulcet tones and Jim had clung to every word as if it had been spoken from God Himself. 

He wordlessly handed Jim a tissue when he started sniffling during the segment about whale hunters. 

He was also the only one to help Jim carry his many, many purchases back to the hotel when the day was over. 

The next week was spent with preparations for their journey. Rand, Chapel, Gaila, Sulu, and Chekov bailed, and though Jim didn’t begrudge them, he was disappointed. 

Consequently, he moved all of them up the list for their yearly physicals. 

Leonard and Uhura, with no engineering knowledge or anything of the sort, had a bit of a break. Uhura went to the spa on Spock’s dime. He made sure his medkits were stocked to the brim and that they had plenty of provisions for the trip. He offered help, sometimes Jim gave him a task or two, but for the most part, he had his own vacation. 

He slept in and ate well for a week, completely content with the state of the world. 

Then he saw the ship they’d be travelling in. 

“It’s a tin can.” 

Scotty glared. “It’s a mighty fine tin can, McCoy. Do not mock the tin can.” 

“Are we all going to fit?” 

“Enterprise Jr. will serve her purpose just fine, Doctor,” Spock interjected. He had grease on his cheek and seemed more disheveled than Leonard had ever seen him. 

Before he could ask anything else, Spock added, “The captain chose the name, of course.” 

“Give us some credit, Bones! We built this from scratch. Like a homemade pie. Made with love. Lil’ junior will work perfectly for what we’re doing.” Jim patted the side of the ship with adoration. “Trust me, Bones. It’s going to be great. There are seats for all of us and room for three whales. Just enough that time travel won’t be completely painful and the ship can’t be traced back to Starfleet if we get into trouble.” 

He tried to complain more, but Jim just said, “I think I have the perfect names for the whales we get. We need a boy and girl one, so how about Georgie and Gracie? Isn’t that cute? I hope we get ones that like each other. Did you know that even though they’re aquatic, whales get pregnant? So cool.” 

He bit his tongue when he wanted to say, “No, that isn’t even remotely cool.” And was rewarded with Jim’s dazzling, passionate smile. 

The less said about the actual traveling the better. Leonard sat right behind Jim and kept his eyes closed through the entire thing with a barf bag at the ready. Jim let him hold David since he had to be the captain and couldn’t take his usual place as Leonard’s security blanket. 

The 1980’s were a bizarre time. Enterprise Jr. was hidden in a forest, away from prying eyes in San Francisco. Uhura, with Spock on one elbow and Scotty on the other, winked and strutted down the street, saying they’re taking a break because the flight was rough on everyone, wasn’t it? 

Jim didn’t even hear her excuses, as he was too busy asking people if they knew how to get to the nearest aquarium. 

Finding the whales might have been the easiest part of the entire voyage. Tearing Jim away from the tank might have been the most difficult. 

“Bones- Oh my god, look at them! They just move so smoothly- They’re so precious!” His face, smooshed against the glass, seemed intent on gluing itself to the tank. “They’re like gentle giants with fins. And what’d I tell you, Georgie and Gracie are great names-“ 

“You only knew those names because of the meld, you dork,” Leonard snorted. Thankfully, Jim had picked an area with a bench to have his freak-fest about the whales. 

He had to admit that whales seemed to be very majestic creatures. Large, but graceful, and few animals seemed as kind as the pair of humpback whales appeared to be. A couple of times, they swam close to Jim, enough so that Jim squealed like a toddler and reached behind him to pull Leonard up next to him to ogle too. 

Why Jim was so obsessed with the damn things, he’d probably never know. 

But it was sort of cute. 

In a weird, fanatical kind of way. 

“Don’t you think we should get going?” He asked, two hours later. “Looks like it’s about to close.” 

“I don’t want to.” 

“Boo hoo, you’ve been here for two hours. We’ll be picking them up tomorrow and you can stare at them for as long as you want once we’ve got them on the ship. You need to eat something and we need to find a place to sleep for the night.” 

He tensed when Jim suddenly grinned. 

“I’ll go on one condition.” 

“This isn’t a negotiation, man.” 

“Don’t you even want to hear what it is? I won’t go unless you say yes to it.” 

His lips curled. “Fine. What is your condition, Jim?” 

Jim smiled, eyes crinkling. “Let me take you on a date.” 

He blinked. 

Jim’s smile widened. 

“A date?” 

“Yep.” 

“Seriously?” 

“Completely.” 

“You’re fucking with me.” 

“Am not.” 

“Why?” 

“Well, when someone really likes someone else and would like to make their friendship into a relationship, said someone usually asks the other someone out on this thing called a date. Now I know it’s been awhile, Bonesy, but I’m sure you know what a date is.” 

“And you’re serious.” 

“Never been more serious in my life.” 

“And you want us to-?” 

“Yep.” 

“Monogamously?” 

“Duh. As if I’d want anyone else.” 

“Well. Since it’s the only way you’ll leave, I guess I have to say yes.” 

“Yes to the date?” 

“Yes to all of the above, dumb ass.” 

“Your words warm the depths of my heart. It sort of feels like when you pee in a hot tub.” 

“And here I thought this couldn’t get more romantic.” 

They shared small, pleased grins as they stood up. Leonard grabbed Jim’s hand, Jim grabbed Leonard’s hand, and that was that. 

Their pizza arrives and breaks through Leonard’s musings. 

Jim cuts in down the middle and places one half on Leonard’s plate, taking the large piece on the tray for himself. He pauses, looks down, looks back up at Leonard, and asks, “Would you rather have the tray?” 

He can’t help but smile, reluctant fondness seeping through. “Nah, Jimmy. You can have the tray. That also means you get this stack of napkins,” He says, shoving the napkin holder over to his side of the table. “Because I can guarantee that your hands are going to be covered in grease by the time you’re done. And get a water after that beer. I’m not kissing you if you taste like pizza and beer.” 

Jim gives him a dopey grin before shoving half of his half of their large pizza into his mouth. 

They’re just getting ready to order dessert when Jim’s com buzzes. 

“Sir, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I do believe I just overheard a lass talking about whales being transferred to the wild tomorrow morning. We might want to get the whales beamed into the ship before it’s too late.” Scotty’s voice, a little fuzzy, puts an end to their date. 

Jim is up and dropping money on the table before Scotty finishes talking. Leonard follows, as he is wont to do when Jim does anything. 

Before leaving, Jim downs half of his remaining water, swishes it around in his mouth for a moment before swallowing, and turns to Leonard. With a grin, he pecks Leonard’s cheek. 

“That was fun. Let’s do it in our own century next time.” 

With that, he’s running out of the restaurant, and Leonard is left to scramble after, face flushed like a teenage boy after his first fumble in the back of his dad’s car. 

Acting like spies and going to kidnap Georgie and Gracie is more fun than Leonard had expected. The trip back isn’t so painful with the whales singing behind him and Jim’s hand in his. He can almost ignore the bite marks on Scotty /and/ Spock’s necks and Uhura’s smug, satisfied demeanor with those sufficient distractions. 

Unfortunately, Pike had been incapable of hiding where Jim had disappeared to, and the admiralty calls him as soon as they arrive in their regular time. 

Leonard doesn’t know who exactly Jim is talking to, nor can he hear their side of the conversation, but soon he’s holding his stomach and close to collapsing with laughter. 

“See, humpback whales are majestic creatures. Truly, it’s a shame that they had gone extinct so soon. Yes admiral. A true shame. And I had it on good authority that humpback whales could help Earth flourish and also act as good luck charms. 

“I know that Starfleet doesn’t deal with good luck charms and voo doo and such, but admiral- Did you know that humpback whales have a unique song that another life form, somewhere in this universe right now, mirrors? And if Earth doesn’t have these whales to respond, this life form will annihilate us all? 

“Yes sir, this is a fact. I can direct you to the specialists that have confirmed this theory. The evidence is overwhelming. 

“Humpback whales are also known for jumping out of the water and swimming on their backs- Of course they’re in the water. They’re aquatic creatures. See, you would know this if you had read any of the articles I published. I see how much you all value my research.” 

Jim proceeds to lecture the admiralty on the wonders of humpback whales. It’s very informative and lasts at least a half hour. 

Leonard couldn’t stop laughing if he tried, suddenly overcome with the ridiculousness of the situation. 

Whales. 

Jim took him on a date and they saved the humpback whales. 

No one would ever believe him if he tried to tell them this story. 

Finally, the admiralty must grow weary of Jim’s babbling, because they promise to respect Jim’s actions and allow him to do what he sees fit in the situation for the time being. Jim flicks his com off and directs Scotty to aim as close to California’s coast as he can. 

“And since we never did get to finishing the landing system, just make us crash as smoothly as possible please, Mr. Scott.” 

Leonard barely has time to shriek, “WHAT?” before Enterprise Jr. half-glides, half-crashes into the water. 

He thinks he passes out, because when he opens his eyes, they’re in the water, Jim’s holding a hand out to help him out of the ship and into the freezing water to wait for Spock to inflate the raft they had packed. Uhura’s unlocking the whales’ tank and letting them out from the back of the ship, and Scotty is making arrangements over his own com for the Enterprise to beam them up once they float closer to the shore. 

“Did everyone know we were going to crash?” He asks, voice about an octave higher and a lot more southern than usual. “Because I sure as hell didn’t!” 

“We didn’t want to worry you, Len,” Uhura shrugs. “Didn’t want you to wuss out and try and stay in the 20th century. The captain would have a fit.” 

Jim slowly swims closer to the whales as they leave the tank, missing Leonard’s panic. With hair plastered to his forehead and eyes red from the saltwater, he looks like a drowned cat. 

Leonard wouldn’t admit it, but he decides that the entire voyage was completely worth it when he sees Jim giggle and smile wide enough to crack his jaw at the whales that circle around him and nudge him playfully. He pets them, and they disappear after a couple more minutes, breaching the water and singing happily. 

Whales. Who fucking knew?


End file.
